Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
