I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
