I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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