I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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