Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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