Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
