last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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