I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
try to milk me bitch
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