wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This is the prime rib incident all over again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
