It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I know her cup size but not her name....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
