This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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