I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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