I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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