I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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