when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
