Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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