On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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