But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
