i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
