Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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