i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
