Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
