we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
