Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
