I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
