Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
