Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
