She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
