There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
