Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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