I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
