you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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