please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I supernannyed him into submission
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
