My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
