I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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