At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
