this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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