You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
