The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize