You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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