I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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