I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
