I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
