dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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