I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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