I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
