dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
