remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
