you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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