i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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