I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
