my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
