why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
