my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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