When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
