My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
