Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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